Malarky Monday is on hold this week.

The world this Monday is a sadder and poorer place as we say good bye to a loved one.

Walter M Murphy, left this world March 23 2010. He was an amazing man.

I know because the son he raised is also an amazing man, and could have only arrived at this station because of his Dad.

To ~m and his family our hearts and love go to them as they place Walter in his final resting place, next to his wife and ~m’s  mum Virginia.

I ask all of you to pray today for not only Walter but for those he has left behind.

He is now in a better place with out the pain and fog.

Go unto God and rest in peace.

Monday again. Lets see what we can find to make you smile.

Then go over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf and see if they can.

woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman:” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp….”

Doctor:”I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle”.

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:” you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!”

Granddad reminiscing about the Good Old Days

“When I were a lad, Ma mum would send me down to da corner store wiv’ a dollar,

and I’d come back wiv’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’ bread, three pints o’ milk,

a pound o’cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf  a dozen eggs.

Yer can’t do that now………………………………………..

too many fucken security cameras.”

WORLD WAR III IN
THE PLANNING STAGES 

President Obama and Prime minister Gordon Brown are sitting in a bar.  A guy
walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Brown sitting over
there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you
guys doing in here?"

Obama says, "We're planning WW III." 

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Obama says,
"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big
tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?"

[]

"Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"

Obama turns to Brown and says, "See, I told you.  No one gives a shit about
the 140 million Muslims!"







And because it was St Patrick's day during the week.

Burn Baby Burn

Ah Monday again.

Time for the laughter to begin or the cursing as you spit coffee on you computer.

At this point I have no idea what to post, so i will open the vault of satanic jokes and tid bits and see what demons I can find.

So be warned.

Then go and see ~m, Moe and the clowns over at Dilligaf for some more fun.

Oh and be warned ~m the theme whore he is has changed the look again.

Where did the white man go wrong?

Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white U.S. Government official -

You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances.

You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued

‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’ ]

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied -
‘

When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’

Then the chief leaned back and smiled -

‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

To true but I blame giving Women the vote.

In Australia we have the bleeding heart Bastards here as well.

Some of you think I am a nutter but look at what our Politicians are up to.

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

• A JOB,

• A DRIVERS LICENSE,

• WELFARE,

• CREDIT CARDS,

• SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,

• FREE EDUCATION,

• FREE HEALTH CARE,

• A LOBBYIST IN CANBERRA

• PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE

• THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

• AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

And some think I am a nutter

And last of all a few motivational posters

At least he doesn’t get a argument.

Now that’s kinky, and the bloody statue is smiling.

Use the statue.

Oh dear!     I might change the subject.

Even I am worried where this might go.

Ok one last one.

Here is some truth in advertising.

Look at the name on the door of the truck.

Burn Baby Burn

Here at the burnway we look at things differently.

Good old Tiger took a pasting and yes he is trying to squirm out of it with a load of bull shit.

Here is what he should of said at his press conference and thumbed his nose at everyone giving him  grief.

He might of kept more sponsors that way.

To my wife, I’m sorry. I fucked up but I’m not changing so you’ll either need to put up with this shit or I’ll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup….sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care….sorry. I don’t need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you’ll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10′ of the hole and drop puts that you couldn’t read in a million years. If that’s not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you’ve had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya’ll. I’m glad I don’t have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I’ve put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone’s been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I’m almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it’s going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That’s all I got today folks…..see ya at Augusta !….Oh and Bambi, if you’re listening I’ll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

I Know, but at least he kept the spot light of Greg Norman.

Burn Baby Burn

Monday again.

Lets see who i can make laugh or cry today.

First joke is a goodie.

Muslim at The Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

“Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.”

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter,

he climbs the ladder in great strides,

climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.

he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,

he discovers an even larger room

where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohmamed?”

“No, I am Jesus…You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs

and climbs, ever higher.. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps, as he is, by now,

totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son….I am God. But you look exhausted.

Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

“Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!”

Now that I got that one out of the way try this on a sweet fairytale.

Monday again!

Last week was a blur.

Didn’t get back to the computer until Saturday morning.

Oh well, Lets see if i can get everyone laughing this Monday.

Then drop over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf for a few more.

(please leave old Dilligaf a message. he is getting self conscious.)

As I have been giving the bad guys (Taliban) are hard time over the last few  posts, i thought it was time to spread the fun.

A FISHY TALE:

Ah, Monday again.

Today to make you laugh we are going to try a few different snippets of information,

A few funny cartoons and a average Aussie pissing contest about home grown nasties.

First up you just have to love dogs.

Next a little Steve Wonder Magic on Twitter.

That’s not nice. Funny but not nice.

Now what dirty bastard thought up this?

Sometimes you should know the family tree. For god sake “Luke use the Power” and not the light saber.

Now for a good old pissing contest.

Croc’s all over the world can be nasty bastards like this one in America who made headlines.

This bloke got a bit close to the water hazard on the golf course one morning.

This bloke was hungry and got breakfast.

These blokes got upset and got it back.

Popped him and the the arm in a helicopter to re-unite them back together.

and the offender was in the back of the ute for who knows where.

In Aussie our nasty river Geckos do it differently as the next lot of photos show.

Nice size. I think they called him Hannibal.

Yep he take more than a arm.

Time to skin this bad boy.

But what have we here looks like he did have a good breakfast.

On closer inspection there will be no flight in a helicopter need here.

Enough of that river Geckos win the pissing contest although this next snippet might just be tougher.

Dog Pack Attacks Croc In Northern Territory

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the ‘apex predator’, can still fall victim to implemented ‘team work’ strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and ’survival of the pack mentality’ bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.

Not for the squeamish…

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Ha Ha bet I got a few of you with that one.

Now run over and see what ~m, Moe and Dilligaf have got for you today

Burn Baby Burn

Well it’s Monday again and what a bugger the golf was. Not one kid to be seen.

All the players were guys my age and 2 women.

At least I won a prize.

You guessed it Second last.

The only person I beat was a 80 year old in a bloody wheel chair.

Moral of the story “Don’t believe so called mates”

Now for some fun

Oh for a by gone era where terrorists were treated the correct way.

I would be more than happy to replace the firing squad.

On a funnier note

He won’t complain when he is older.

And last of all a little humour about our mates across the ditch.

KIWI’s
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, ‘You ain’t from around here, are ya?’

The guy says, ‘No, I’m from Canada .’

The bartender says, ‘What do you do in Canada ?’

The guy says, ‘I’m a taxidermist.’

The bartender says, ‘A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do
you drive a tixi?’

‘No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.’

The bartender grins and yells,

‘ He’s okay boys. He’s one of us.’

Now run over and see  ~m, Moe and Dilligaf.

One more I hear you say?

OK

From a European news paper.

Burn Baby Burn

An Up-date first

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, ‘Naaahhh!

Then they said to me ‘Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind Kids.’

Then I thought…

Fuck – I could win this!’

Tee off next weekend will keep you posted.

Now for some real fun.

Then drop over and see ~m,Moe and Dilligaf and get some more

laughs.

Now here is a new airline to fly with.

WELCOME TO TPA

(Terrorist-Proof  Airlines)

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!

We can absolutely guarantee that WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX

CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other  weapons will never be carried onto

OUR FLIGHTS!

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest  airline in the industry.

AND, if a Muslim fundamentalist sees a naked woman, he is obliged to

commit suicide –

now taking bookings, don’t delay

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

and one last one for the boys.

Burn Baby Burn

MM is a bit of a cheat this week.
A few days ago, I did this post, and I think it’s too damned good to be pushed down the page just yet, because there are people who will appreciate it more than anything else I could post at the moment.
So yeah, I’ve learned that art of cheat posts!
Then again, I always say if you’re not cheating you’re not trying so it’s quite fitting after all!!

Once you’re done here, be sure to visit my cohorts in ~m, Moe and DILLIGAF, because they’re sure to have done real posts and will no doubt give me grief about this one!!

Burn Baby Burn