Here is a few laughs to start the week.

It will be a long week for me with 3 days in Sydney for work Yeha not.

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys is waiting at the tee while a foursome of women are teeing off.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f––king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”

One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck.

This came from England . Still fits here

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for benefits.  At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits”.

So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in colour, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.

He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

Why She Changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . .

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my ... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Burn Baby Burn

Ah Monday! I  have spent a few hours over the weekend cleaning out my in box and found a few Gems to share. So relax , sit back get rid of the coffee and have a laugh to start of the week.

First a letter,

A Letter To Jessie James:

You Stupid Bastard!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for, and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named ” America ’s Sweetheart.”

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world.

You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are.

Thanks for taking the heat off of me.

Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

Tiger should pay him for that one.

HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN 10 LANGUAGES…

I must start practising the first nine!

HOW TO SAY ”I LOVE YOU” IN 10 LANGUAGES..

***************************************************
Got to love the Aussies in the Northern Territory.

And last but not least  few quotes from Rodney Rude.

For the uninitiated Rodney is quite rude and has a crude sense of humour.

So if your easily offended keep reading, Remember your on the bus.

Now all run off and have a great week.

Burn Baby Burn.

Monday and time for me to make you laugh.

First up is a clip of typical Australian Humor.

As they say, seeing is believing.

Read below, then watch the clip

A fully loaded Russian IL-76 cargo plane…… Payload 450t!!!!

This really raises the pucker factor…. Listen to the “controllers” in the tower who are Australian: Ya gotta love it.   ”The Vodka Burner” as the Aussies call it, literally uses every inch of runway……. WATCH THE WHOLE VIDEO.. (shot from the tower)

You can HEAR THE CONVERSATION IN THE TOWER.

They are incredulous–that it makes it….

Now that was close.

A Joke

Meet Marvin, men’s answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
———————————————————–

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
———————————————————–

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
———————————————————–

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
———————————————————–

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
———————————————————-

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————-

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————

AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…

Maxine just had to have the last word.

And one last one for the Taliban.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, ‘you’ve all got 30 seconds to get out!’
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, ‘you cu*t!’

OK one more.

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?”

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty.”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

And Allah replied, “Who said they were women?”

Burn Baby Burn

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart.

Today fourteen years ago I did the best thing I had done in my entire life. I married you.

Have a wonderful day

Love Mark