Burnie is feeling playful so sit back and enjoy.

First up a true story from the archives.

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Now that I am on a roll and have insulted most women and made most men laugh here is a visual.

Finish this sentence…

As happy as a………

For my international following pig in shit!

Now lets see who else I can offend!  Yes 

Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF

HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland

Now that i have got my

customary joke in about

camel herders have a great

week

Burn Baby Burn

I received these in my in box at work on a day full of stress and it made me smile.

and my personal favorites !

and

Burn Baby Burn

I like one point number 7

Three point numbers 4 and 5

and 5 point dares 1, 5, 8, 10 and 13.

Must remember to start doing these.

As for the rest of you on the bus!

Go on I dare you to just do one.

One Point Dares
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
Three Point Dares
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ”email”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any p*rnography web sites.
Five Point Dares
1.      At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2.      Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3.      For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4.      Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5.      When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ‘’she can abort it for all I care”.
6.      After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
7.      In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8.      At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
9.      Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
10.     Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11.     During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12.     As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13.     Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14.     Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”.

Now go and have some fun at somebody else expense.

You might get a few laughs even if your the only one laughing!

Burn Baby Burn

It will be a long week for me with 3 days in Sydney for work Yeha not.

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys is waiting at the tee while a foursome of women are teeing off.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f––king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”

One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck.

This came from England . Still fits here

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for benefits.  At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits”.

So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in colour, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.

He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

Why She Changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . .

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my ... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Burn Baby Burn

First a letter,

A Letter To Jessie James:

You Stupid Bastard!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for, and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named ” America ’s Sweetheart.”

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world.

You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are.

Thanks for taking the heat off of me.

Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

Tiger should pay him for that one.

HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN 10 LANGUAGES…

I must start practising the first nine!

HOW TO SAY ”I LOVE YOU” IN 10 LANGUAGES..

***************************************************
Got to love the Aussies in the Northern Territory.

And last but not least  few quotes from Rodney Rude.

For the uninitiated Rodney is quite rude and has a crude sense of humour.

So if your easily offended keep reading, Remember your on the bus.

Now all run off and have a great week.

Burn Baby Burn.

First up is a clip of typical Australian Humor.

As they say, seeing is believing.

Read below, then watch the clip

A fully loaded Russian IL-76 cargo plane…… Payload 450t!!!!

This really raises the pucker factor…. Listen to the “controllers” in the tower who are Australian: Ya gotta love it.   ”The Vodka Burner” as the Aussies call it, literally uses every inch of runway……. WATCH THE WHOLE VIDEO.. (shot from the tower)

You can HEAR THE CONVERSATION IN THE TOWER.

They are incredulous–that it makes it….

Now that was close.

A Joke

Meet Marvin, men’s answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
———————————————————–

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
———————————————————–

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
———————————————————–

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
———————————————————–

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
———————————————————-

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————-

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————

AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…

Maxine just had to have the last word.

And one last one for the Taliban.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, ‘you’ve all got 30 seconds to get out!’
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, ‘you cu*t!’

OK one more.

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?”

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty.”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

And Allah replied, “Who said they were women?”

Burn Baby Burn

Today fourteen years ago I did the best thing I had done in my entire life. I married you.

Have a wonderful day

Love Mark

You know the drill by now.

Go HERE, Here and here.

For more fun.

This week a few jokes.

She was standing in the kitchen,

preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,

wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

Softly,” You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought,

“I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all;

right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

“What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

See, not all men are shallow bastards

This guy is Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto, he was married to

This woman.

Here she is again

Her name is Cibele Dorsa. She is a Brazilian swimsuit and Playboy model.

He divorced her because he fell in love with this woman:

Those two are very happily married right now.

Some people argue that love is blind.

Truly seeing the inner beauty inside a person, not basing their decisions solely on looks.

Oh, By the way .…..


The new girl is Athina Onassis. She’s worth 12 Billion dollars.

Kinda brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it???

And for the bald one just to let you know we are on to you!

The real reason that plan came down in the Hudson River.

Burn Baby Burn

The day to make people smile or choke on their early morning coffee.

When you have had a good giggle here go see ~m, Moe and the people at Dilligaf for more.

Up first is some good old Aussie humour and their ability to use such technical terms for public transport.

A little Aussie humour?

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help  him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: ‘Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.’

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,  ’It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?’
The doctor  said …. ‘You were  homesick’.

How about a animal not hunted for it’s pelt?

And last of all an animal that is very destructive, The Beaver.

Ok one last joke.

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.

The fire chief quietly replied, “They were both at work.”

Burn Baby Burn