Here is a few laughs to start the week.

It will be a long week for me with 3 days in Sydney for work Yeha not.

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys is waiting at the tee while a foursome of women are teeing off.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f––king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”

One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck.

This came from England . Still fits here

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for benefits.  At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits”.

So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in colour, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.

He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

Why She Changed Hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . .

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my ... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Burn Baby Burn

Ah Monday! I  have spent a few hours over the weekend cleaning out my in box and found a few Gems to share. So relax , sit back get rid of the coffee and have a laugh to start of the week.

First a letter,

A Letter To Jessie James:

You Stupid Bastard!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for, and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named ” America ’s Sweetheart.”

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world.

You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are.

Thanks for taking the heat off of me.

Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

Tiger should pay him for that one.

HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN 10 LANGUAGES…

I must start practising the first nine!

HOW TO SAY ”I LOVE YOU” IN 10 LANGUAGES..

***************************************************
Got to love the Aussies in the Northern Territory.

And last but not least  few quotes from Rodney Rude.

For the uninitiated Rodney is quite rude and has a crude sense of humour.

So if your easily offended keep reading, Remember your on the bus.

Now all run off and have a great week.

Burn Baby Burn.

Monday and time for me to make you laugh.

First up is a clip of typical Australian Humor.

As they say, seeing is believing.

Read below, then watch the clip

A fully loaded Russian IL-76 cargo plane…… Payload 450t!!!!

This really raises the pucker factor…. Listen to the “controllers” in the tower who are Australian: Ya gotta love it.   ”The Vodka Burner” as the Aussies call it, literally uses every inch of runway……. WATCH THE WHOLE VIDEO.. (shot from the tower)

You can HEAR THE CONVERSATION IN THE TOWER.

They are incredulous–that it makes it….

Now that was close.

A Joke

Meet Marvin, men’s answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
———————————————————–

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
———————————————————–

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
———————————————————–

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
———————————————————–

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
———————————————————-

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————-

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————

AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…

Maxine just had to have the last word.

And one last one for the Taliban.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, ‘you’ve all got 30 seconds to get out!’
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, ‘you cu*t!’

OK one more.

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?”

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty.”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

And Allah replied, “Who said they were women?”

Burn Baby Burn

Ah  Monday.

You know the drill by now.

Go HERE, Here and here.

For more fun.

This week a few jokes.

She was standing in the kitchen,

preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,

wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

Softly,” You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought,

“I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all;

right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

“What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

See, not all men are shallow bastards

This guy is Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto, he was married to

This woman.

Here she is again

Her name is Cibele Dorsa. She is a Brazilian swimsuit and Playboy model.

He divorced her because he fell in love with this woman:

Those two are very happily married right now.

Some people argue that love is blind.

Truly seeing the inner beauty inside a person, not basing their decisions solely on looks.

Oh, By the way .…..


The new girl is Athina Onassis. She’s worth 12 Billion dollars.

Kinda brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it???

And for the bald one just to let you know we are on to you!

The real reason that plan came down in the Hudson River.

Burn Baby Burn

Monday again.

The day to make people smile or choke on their early morning coffee.

When you have had a good giggle here go see ~m, Moe and the people at Dilligaf for more.

Up first is some good old Aussie humour and their ability to use such technical terms for public transport.

A little Aussie humour?

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help  him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: ‘Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.’

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,  ’It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?’
The doctor  said …. ‘You were  homesick’.

How about a animal not hunted for it’s pelt?

And last of all an animal that is very destructive, The Beaver.

Ok one last joke.

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.

The fire chief quietly replied, “They were both at work.”

Burn Baby Burn

Malarky Monday is on hold this week.

The world this Monday is a sadder and poorer place as we say good bye to a loved one.

Walter M Murphy, left this world March 23 2010. He was an amazing man.

I know because the son he raised is also an amazing man, and could have only arrived at this station because of his Dad.

To ~m and his family our hearts and love go to them as they place Walter in his final resting place, next to his wife and ~m’s  mum Virginia.

I ask all of you to pray today for not only Walter but for those he has left behind.

He is now in a better place with out the pain and fog.

Go unto God and rest in peace.

Monday again. Lets see what we can find to make you smile.

Then go over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf and see if they can.

woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman:” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp….”

Doctor:”I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle”.

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:” you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!”

Granddad reminiscing about the Good Old Days

“When I were a lad, Ma mum would send me down to da corner store wiv’ a dollar,

and I’d come back wiv’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’ bread, three pints o’ milk,

a pound o’cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf  a dozen eggs.

Yer can’t do that now………………………………………..

too many fucken security cameras.”

WORLD WAR III IN
THE PLANNING STAGES 

President Obama and Prime minister Gordon Brown are sitting in a bar.  A guy
walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Brown sitting over
there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you
guys doing in here?"

Obama says, "We're planning WW III." 

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Obama says,
"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big
tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?"

[]

"Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"

Obama turns to Brown and says, "See, I told you.  No one gives a shit about
the 140 million Muslims!"







And because it was St Patrick's day during the week.

Burn Baby Burn

Ah Monday again.

Time for the laughter to begin or the cursing as you spit coffee on you computer.

At this point I have no idea what to post, so i will open the vault of satanic jokes and tid bits and see what demons I can find.

So be warned.

Then go and see ~m, Moe and the clowns over at Dilligaf for some more fun.

Oh and be warned ~m the theme whore he is has changed the look again.

Where did the white man go wrong?

Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white U.S. Government official -

You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances.

You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued

‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’ ]

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied -
‘

When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’

Then the chief leaned back and smiled -

‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

To true but I blame giving Women the vote.

In Australia we have the bleeding heart Bastards here as well.

Some of you think I am a nutter but look at what our Politicians are up to.

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

• A JOB,

• A DRIVERS LICENSE,

• WELFARE,

• CREDIT CARDS,

• SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,

• FREE EDUCATION,

• FREE HEALTH CARE,

• A LOBBYIST IN CANBERRA

• PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE

• THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

• AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

And some think I am a nutter

And last of all a few motivational posters

At least he doesn’t get a argument.

Now that’s kinky, and the bloody statue is smiling.

Use the statue.

Oh dear!     I might change the subject.

Even I am worried where this might go.

Ok one last one.

Here is some truth in advertising.

Look at the name on the door of the truck.

Burn Baby Burn

Monday again.

Lets see who i can make laugh or cry today.

First joke is a goodie.

Muslim at The Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

“Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.”

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter,

he climbs the ladder in great strides,

climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.

he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,

he discovers an even larger room

where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohmamed?”

“No, I am Jesus…You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs

and climbs, ever higher.. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps, as he is, by now,

totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son….I am God. But you look exhausted.

Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

“Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!”

Now that I got that one out of the way try this on a sweet fairytale.

Monday again!

Last week was a blur.

Didn’t get back to the computer until Saturday morning.

Oh well, Lets see if i can get everyone laughing this Monday.

Then drop over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf for a few more.

(please leave old Dilligaf a message. he is getting self conscious.)

As I have been giving the bad guys (Taliban) are hard time over the last few  posts, i thought it was time to spread the fun.

A FISHY TALE: