After having a very good weekend and not to bad day at work to start the week,

Burnie is feeling playful so sit back and enjoy.

First up a true story from the archives.

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Now that I am on a roll and have insulted most women and made most men laugh here is a visual.

Finish this sentence…

As happy as a………

For my international following pig in shit!

Now lets see who else I can offend!  Yes 

Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF

HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland

Now that i have got my

customary joke in about

camel herders have a great

week

Burn Baby Burn

Here are a few items to have fun with at work.

I like one point number 7

Three point numbers 4 and 5

and 5 point dares 1, 5, 8, 10 and 13.

Must remember to start doing these.

As for the rest of you on the bus!

Go on I dare you to just do one.

One Point Dares
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
Three Point Dares
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ”email”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any p*rnography web sites.
Five Point Dares
1.      At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2.      Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3.      For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4.      Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5.      When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ‘’she can abort it for all I care”.
6.      After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
7.      In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8.      At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
9.      Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
10.     Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11.     During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12.     As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13.     Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14.     Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”.

Now go and have some fun at somebody else expense.

You might get a few laughs even if your the only one laughing!

Burn Baby Burn

I have been asked for more of Postman Pat and Thomas the Tank Engine and friends so do not blame me for what will follow.

I didn’t know that farmer was a gay fucker. Poor Pat.

Remember Ernest? Well he’s back too with a new friend Gail.

Gee Gail seems like a nice girl. Somehow i think Steve is going to get into more trouble.

Yes I was right poor old Steve just can not help himself

Burn Baby Burn

Lets have some fun today!

I think I will just look through my vast range of Blogg Fodder which I find or get sent to me.

Here Goes.

First up lets look at the fairer sex!

Ain’t that the TRUTH?

Now that’s just nasty.

But you only look with your eyes?????????????????????

Ok a few for the boys?

Ha Ha Ha Ha! No? I thought it was funny

Yeah right.

Not real smart that lot!

Now that’s funny even if the guy is a fibber.

Lets look at religion!

Dumb Cat. Dogs can’t read!

Speaking of Pussy, here is a few modest ones.

Here is why some people should be neutered.

I smoke but that is just wrong.

And the number ONE Moron.

Enough of that I will leave you with a new Chinese Product.

I don’t know if Women or Men will be more interested in it?

You be the judge.

Please, please click the photo to enlarge and read the print.

It is so funny. Trust me Do it. Do it. You know you want to.

Do not die wondering now. Just do it.

Now hop over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf for more fun.

Why Exercise Frightens me!!

What do these women think is going to happen

to all this extra body when

they stop weight training??

Remind me to NEVER exercise again!

That’s my story and I am sticking to it!!!

and for the real sicko’s here is a photo of Granny scaring the kids.

Burn Baby Burn

Remember those idiots from Monday?

Well here are a few more to terrorize parent’s.

Enjoy!!!!!!

Love his belly tat. Imagine a daughter bringing home this?

and the very last one

Now for all the Dads, how to make sure your children do not date or do this to themselves!

Do you want to know  how???????????????????????????????????

OK.

The very first time they come home or bring someone home with piercings.

1. Get insulated pliers

2. Put right foot on said persons throat.

3. Hold on to offending jewelry with said pliers.

4. Pull like bloody hell.

Just hope the Judge has kids as well and your home free.

Burn Baby Burn

Here are a few laugh’s for the boys mid week to make the week funnier.

Well we are told to recycle!

We will never win a that game.

Idiot he forgot the golf umbrella and the trolly.

I know already “BURNING FOREVER”.

Not a bad trick that!

OK a few for the girls so I don’t burn sooner than I think.

Now that’s Gunner hurt bad.

and last of all what will happen to me soon and it won’t be a duck pointing the gun.

Burn Baby Burn

For all of you who think “another birthday shit I am getting old”.

Think again, unless you have this many candles, then I suggest a Fire Extinguisher!

I know already, Jesus I’m driving the bloody bus.

Burn baby burn

Mrs Burnie decided to do another one of her rolling posts. The she volunteered me.
Yeah right, thanks for that! How can I say no?
I do have to sleep don’t I?
This is my part, and everyone else’s as well.
Let me know what you think.

The story so far:
He stepped from the plane into the crowded airport, the face of who he was seeking, fixed firmly in his mind.
He had seen it numerous times, but knew, even if it had been revealed only once, it was a face he would never forget.
How could he ever forget the face of the person responsible for the single most painful experience of his life?
The devastation it had created was an event he would not allow himself to forget.
He was driven to not only find her, but make her suffer the way he had. Ensure she experienced the total overwhelming feeling that had been his constant companion for more than 10 years.
The hopelessness, anguish and feeling of loss, all of which kept him awake, or haunted his dreams, turning every night into a tortuous time to be dreaded, in every waking moment…….

Constance sat in the study looking out over the garden. She loved to be in this room. It was just how she had imagined she would have her own room just for her writing, all those years ago. The garden was showing the first signs of spring approaching. There were new buds on all the plants and the winter chill had gone from the air today, so she had happily let Alison play outside.
She was distracted from her writing while watching Alison play in the garden. The child had a wonderful imagination and Constance loved to watch her play. As the sun glistened on Alison’s hair and she poured tea for the teddy bears, Constance wondered how their lives would have turned out if she had made a different decision on that fateful day. For the first time in many years, she let her mind wonder to Alison’s father. Constance had not let herself think about him since that day. As she was thinking about him, she felt a shiver go up her spine and felt a sense of dread that she hadn’t experienced in a long time…

Dermot ran his hand through his hair. He was still a ‘looker’ and he knew it. He felt the glances from women as he walked through the airport to the taxi stand.
“Mmm, Nice eye candy.” he heard a woman mutter quietly to her friend.
He smiled to himself. Nice eye candy indeed. Standing at almost 6ft tall, Dermot had thick, black, wavy hair with tinges of grey. While he was no body builder, he kept himself in good shape. It was his eyes that women loved the most though, his deep, sea blue eyes. Many a woman had gazed into those eyes and fallen prey to his charms. Many a woman had known what it was like to be loved and tossed aside like a broken toy when he had had enough. Dermot hadn’t always been like that, a cruel, hard hearted bastard. There was a time when he loved freely and unashamedly, trusted implicitly. That was before Con….
Dermot shook his head. There was no time for that.
He hailed a cab, and when it pulled up, threw his overnight bag in the back and got in.
“Where to?” the cab driver asked.
Dermot paused. What now? He had waited for this for 10 years, plotted, planned, changed his mind over and over, never letting the flame of revenge die in his heart. He was here now. It was time.
Yes, where to?

He directed the driver to his hotel resisting the impulse to rush the confrontation that he knew was to come, remembering the events that led up to that fateful night that changed all their lives forever.
His mind drifted back in time as he remembered her despair that her husband was slowly drinking himself to death, her grief for the marriage and life that she would never now have. He remembered pulling her close initially to try to calm her weeping but later, oh later………. of holding her closer, much closer than a brother in law should as they sought to affirm the life that they both should have been living .
He remembered the gentleness of her fingers as they explored his muscles, the softness of her silky smooth skin, how she shivered when he kissed her neck, how her body arched beneath his as they took what each needed from the other.
It was the most incredible night he had ever known, he’d never found that kind of satisfaction with another woman since. She’d ruined him for anyone else and he’d never trusted another women again after what she did. Falling in love with his brother’s wife was bad enough and he had hated himself for it but for her to tell James while he was still so vulnerable…….. The bitch killed him!
She shouldn’t have told him, she should have stayed silent and forgotten about that night, that one night that they had turned to each other for comfort after taking James to rehab. If only she hadn’t told him he would never have been drunk at the wheel that night and had a chance of maintaining control of the car on the snow covered mountain road.
She killed James and then she vanished!
He’d been looking for her this whole time. It was time someone held her accountable.

Constance sat with a vague sense of unease, watching her daughter. She was struck by the need to go out and grab that beautiful child and run. She could not put her finger on the reason, but the fear began to grow in her. She hadn’t felt this in years. ‘Not since…..No, I will not let my mind go there…it was long ago and I am past it now,’ she thought.
But her mind continued to wander, down, deeper into her memories. All she could remember was the heart shattering loss, feeling like she was spiraling deep into nothingness, emptiness and like her heart had been cut from her.
The sound of the telephone cut through the silence like a chain saw, but Constance was locked deep in her mind, and could not reach out for the phone. At the same time Allison heard the phone ringing from outside and came running into the house. Mommy had just started allowing her to answer the phone on occasion, and if it was still ringing …….she ran to the phone, stopping short when she saw her mom sitting there.
“Mommy, Mommy are you ok?” shouted Allison.

The crystal glass shattered against the terrazzo tiles, shocking Constance back into reality. He was behind Allison, close enough to touch her. Those eyes, those beautiful eyes that made her drown in a pool of lust and passion were staring at her daughter. His long fingers were about to touch her hair. Constance was chained to her chair in fright. She knew why he was here. He was here to take away the one thing that was good and beautiful in the world – he was here for Allison. Her mind was in turmoil, her thoughts a myriad of confusion. How could she love a man that had vowed to make her suffer? How could she still feel that warm rush of ecstasy at the thought of him touching her, when she knew he was on a mission to destroy her. He smiled at Allison; that familiar smile he would deliver to her all those years ago. Constance died inside when she heard his voice. The pain cut through her heart when she heard him say,
“Hello, Allison. I have waited a long time to see you. I am your father”

Allison’s large green eyes regarded the tall stranger with distrust. “What’s your name?” she asked.
“Dermott McDawg,” he replied, a smile so oily it could have dressed salad.
“Kermit the Frog?” Allison smirked. “Mummy, what is he doing here? I have a twitter date and I’m going to be late. You told me I never had to meet him. You told me he eats small children for lunch.”
Constance gasped and looked truly surprised and shrugged at Dermott. “I really didn’t…Allison, this is your…”
“Oh knock it off, Mummy – we both know this is the bastard that slept with you and caused me to kill myself on that lonely mountain road.” Allison leveled a rather scary gaze at Dermott. “If it weren’t for you I would still be a virile man sleeping with my hot wife and making babies of our own, instead of having to come back as your love child conducting fake tea parties on the lawn with teddy bears.”
Dermot was speechless, all his plans of vengence fading quickly and being replaced with a sense of fear. “Well, ah, Allison dear…”
“Don’t you dear, me, you rat-bastard waste of space wanker!” Allison stamped her foot and pulled a can of pepper spray from her pretty pink pinafore. Psst. “Take that you lowlife, treacherous wife fucker!”
“My eyes! My eyes!” Dermott cried rubbing them with his fists. He could not see a thing but he felt a sudden chill of fear race his spine when….

He realized that all the years of seeking divine retribution was suddenly regurgitated on his lap. He was the one that caused his brother’s death. He was the one that by one night of pure unadulterated lust pushed his drunken bum of a brother over the edge.
And that is when he realized the truth. His brother, James, was a fucking douchebag. What gave him the right to come back as the child of his night of passion. As he thought about Constance breast feeding this evil spawn from hell, rage filled his soul. Those perfect breasts should have been mine for the suckling.
Even though he could not see the fiend that had sprayed him, he could hear her breathing and he could smell her rancid tea breath. Dermot jumped and grabbed the demon spawn by the throat. Then he heard the distinctive sound of a shell being pumped into a twelve gauge shotgun. He knew that Constance would shoot. But who? The man that she loved and had been robbed of by her drunken bum of a husband or the demon spawn that had stolen the life that belonged to her child?

Dermot knew that he had no chance of changing anbody’s mind with tricks or lies in the next few crutial moments. Honesty would be the only way out of this predicament. Blindly he opened his arm to where he presumed that Constance was. With all the pent up anger and frustration comming to the surface, as well as the pepper spray in his eyes, he started to cry. “Baby,” he started towards her, “if I can’t be with you, well then I would rather die. Living without you after that beautiful night we shared, I can hold no other woman and not long for your body.” he patentily waited for some type of sign, but when nothing presented itself he saw no danger in continuing recalling for his brother all the expliced details of that night of passion.
Constance was torn, for the fear she had dealt with for 10 years of Dermot finding them was still real. She had run for so long, and she was tired of running, and she was tired of never being able to love another man the way she had him. Not to mention she could never bring a man around Alison, they all reacted to her the same way…

they all wanted to feed her to Constance’s pets.
Those flesh eating scum that showed up and stayed after Allison was born a boy and Constance had a gender surgery done on him when she realized he was her bastard husband James reincarnated.
But she had fixed him and and now he was a she.
Now that Dermott had returned she would, with his help, be able to kill the bastard that had been castrating all her other boy friends, and feeding the bits to the flesh eating pets, but would a shot gun really kill this monster from hell?

Pity help the poor bastard who has to finish this off!

I have been slack but after 2 weeks of pre and post stock take I am back.

this reminds me of the House of Representatives !