After having a very good weekend and not to bad day at work to start the week,

Burnie is feeling playful so sit back and enjoy.

First up a true story from the archives.

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Now that I am on a roll and have insulted most women and made most men laugh here is a visual.

Finish this sentence…

As happy as a………

For my international following pig in shit!

Now lets see who else I can offend!  Yes 

Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF

HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= God Bless Scotland

Now that i have got my

customary joke in about

camel herders have a great

week

Burn Baby Burn

Here are a few items to have fun with at work.

I like one point number 7

Three point numbers 4 and 5

and 5 point dares 1, 5, 8, 10 and 13.

Must remember to start doing these.

As for the rest of you on the bus!

Go on I dare you to just do one.

One Point Dares
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
Three Point Dares
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ”email”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any p*rnography web sites.
Five Point Dares
1.      At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2.      Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3.      For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4.      Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5.      When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ‘’she can abort it for all I care”.
6.      After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
7.      In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8.      At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
9.      Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
10.     Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11.     During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12.     As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13.     Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14.     Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”.

Now go and have some fun at somebody else expense.

You might get a few laughs even if your the only one laughing!

Burn Baby Burn

Monday again.

Lets see who i can make laugh or cry today.

First joke is a goodie.

Muslim at The Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

“Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.”

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter,

he climbs the ladder in great strides,

climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.

he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,

he discovers an even larger room

where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohmamed?”

“No, I am Jesus…You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs

and climbs, ever higher.. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps, as he is, by now,

totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son….I am God. But you look exhausted.

Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

“Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!”

Now that I got that one out of the way try this on a sweet fairytale.

I have been asked for more of Postman Pat and Thomas the Tank Engine and friends so do not blame me for what will follow.

I didn’t know that farmer was a gay fucker. Poor Pat.

Remember Ernest? Well he’s back too with a new friend Gail.

Gee Gail seems like a nice girl. Somehow i think Steve is going to get into more trouble.

Yes I was right poor old Steve just can not help himself

Burn Baby Burn

Lets have some fun today!

I think I will just look through my vast range of Blogg Fodder which I find or get sent to me.

Here Goes.

First up lets look at the fairer sex!

Ain’t that the TRUTH?

Now that’s just nasty.

But you only look with your eyes?????????????????????

Ok a few for the boys?

Ha Ha Ha Ha! No? I thought it was funny

Yeah right.

Not real smart that lot!

Now that’s funny even if the guy is a fibber.

Lets look at religion!

Dumb Cat. Dogs can’t read!

Speaking of Pussy, here is a few modest ones.

Here is why some people should be neutered.

I smoke but that is just wrong.

And the number ONE Moron.

Enough of that I will leave you with a new Chinese Product.

I don’t know if Women or Men will be more interested in it?

You be the judge.

Please, please click the photo to enlarge and read the print.

It is so funny. Trust me Do it. Do it. You know you want to.

Do not die wondering now. Just do it.

Now hop over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf for more fun.

Why Exercise Frightens me!!

What do these women think is going to happen

to all this extra body when

they stop weight training??

Remind me to NEVER exercise again!

That’s my story and I am sticking to it!!!

and for the real sicko’s here is a photo of Granny scaring the kids.

Burn Baby Burn

Remember those idiots from Monday?

Well here are a few more to terrorize parent’s.

Enjoy!!!!!!

Love his belly tat. Imagine a daughter bringing home this?

and the very last one

Now for all the Dads, how to make sure your children do not date or do this to themselves!

Do you want to know  how???????????????????????????????????

OK.

The very first time they come home or bring someone home with piercings.

1. Get insulated pliers

2. Put right foot on said persons throat.

3. Hold on to offending jewelry with said pliers.

4. Pull like bloody hell.

Just hope the Judge has kids as well and your home free.

Burn Baby Burn

These little gems are to determine how Gay you are so pay attention.

If you could see any of the things that the captions were saying I am sorry but,

As for me, I am still trying to see the bloody apple.

Burn Baby Burn

I owe my best of bestest cousin Debbie for this post. She is my favorite cousin of all time.

She knows my humour and sends me titt bits like this. Thanks Cous.

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of :

‘ASYLUM’
Today’s program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
Hop on a boat
And win
A FREE HOUSE!
We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The Australian Taxpayer.
And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid Australian Passport, and you only need one word of English:
‘ASYLUM’
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at $800 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
just buy a ticket to Indonesia
And catch the first available boat.
No application ever refused – reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers or burn your boat once you
enter Australian waters and remember the magic password:
‘ASYLUM’
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia’s gateway where agents were on hand to fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Australia …
Our most popular destinations also include the Baxter’s Reef and the world famous Christmas Island Resort.
If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget, there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
It won’t cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever .
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovo drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas…
COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the Indonesia fishing ports
Don’t stop in Thailand or Bali
Go straight to Australia
And you are:
GUARANTEED
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone’s a winner, when they play

‘ASYLUM’

“FOR FUCK SAKE”

This might be funny except it sounds oh to familiar.

White Australian born Males are the most discriminated against humans in the entire world.

Pay your taxes, work hard so our government can let in bloody arseholes with one word of English.

And if the government say’s No you can’t come in.

Here is free yes free legal aid paid for buy our taxpayers to,

go to court and tell us we are racists and our soft cock legal system

will let you in and then sue the poor bastards who said no you can’t come in.

Some say we are the lucky country.

Only if you were born somewhere else.

Burn Baby Burn

Well it’s Monday again.

This Monday I have a old but Typical Joke to get you smiling.

Young Johnny is a product of the late sixties or early seventies.

He shows the honesty and enterprise of a generation that was not politically correct.

That is why I love his jokes so much.

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning..

They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something,

then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:
“I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly,

“My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained
to  everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”     ”Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.
“$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher,

“What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher,

“How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny,
“I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

They all said the same thing,
“Hey, this tastes like shit!”

Then I would say,

“It is shit.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?

Now that is one smart enterprising young man,

He would be on the bus but I recon he is about two or three buses ahead of us.

Who knows what he is doing today,

But i would guess he is in jail somewhere.

Why you ask?

Because of Political correctness.

I bet  the shit wasn’t white, or had the Heart foundation Tick,

Didn’t have a Label of ingredients or other bullshit like calorie counts.

Enough said.

Go over and see my mates ~m and Morky for some more laughs

Burn Baby Burn

UPDATE

I found a photo of Johnny not taken to long ago.

He is now married and enjoys going to fancy dress parties with his wife and best mate,

Although his humour has matured Johnny is still miles down the burnway ahead of us.

Just in case you don’t recognize him ,he is on the far left.

Burn Baby Burn