Monday again.

Lets see who i can make laugh or cry today.

First joke is a goodie.

Muslim at The Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

“Are you Mohammed?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.”

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter,

he climbs the ladder in great strides,

climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.

he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,

he discovers an even larger room

where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohmamed?”

“No, I am Jesus…You will find Mohammed higher up.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs

and climbs, ever higher.. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps, as he is, by now,

totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son….I am God. But you look exhausted.

Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

“Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!”

Now that I got that one out of the way try this on a sweet fairytale.

Monday again!

Last week was a blur.

Didn’t get back to the computer until Saturday morning.

Oh well, Lets see if i can get everyone laughing this Monday.

Then drop over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf for a few more.

(please leave old Dilligaf a message. he is getting self conscious.)

As I have been giving the bad guys (Taliban) are hard time over the last few  posts, i thought it was time to spread the fun.

A FISHY TALE:

Ah, Monday again.

Today to make you laugh we are going to try a few different snippets of information,

A few funny cartoons and a average Aussie pissing contest about home grown nasties.

First up you just have to love dogs.

Next a little Steve Wonder Magic on Twitter.

That’s not nice. Funny but not nice.

Now what dirty bastard thought up this?

Sometimes you should know the family tree. For god sake “Luke use the Power” and not the light saber.

Now for a good old pissing contest.

Croc’s all over the world can be nasty bastards like this one in America who made headlines.

This bloke got a bit close to the water hazard on the golf course one morning.

This bloke was hungry and got breakfast.

These blokes got upset and got it back.

Popped him and the the arm in a helicopter to re-unite them back together.

and the offender was in the back of the ute for who knows where.

In Aussie our nasty river Geckos do it differently as the next lot of photos show.

Nice size. I think they called him Hannibal.

Yep he take more than a arm.

Time to skin this bad boy.

But what have we here looks like he did have a good breakfast.

On closer inspection there will be no flight in a helicopter need here.

Enough of that river Geckos win the pissing contest although this next snippet might just be tougher.

Dog Pack Attacks Croc In Northern Territory

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the ‘apex predator’, can still fall victim to implemented ‘team work’ strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and ’survival of the pack mentality’ bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.

Not for the squeamish…

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Ha Ha bet I got a few of you with that one.

Now run over and see what ~m, Moe and Dilligaf have got for you today

Burn Baby Burn

Well it’s Monday again and what a bugger the golf was. Not one kid to be seen.

All the players were guys my age and 2 women.

At least I won a prize.

You guessed it Second last.

The only person I beat was a 80 year old in a bloody wheel chair.

Moral of the story “Don’t believe so called mates”

Now for some fun

Oh for a by gone era where terrorists were treated the correct way.

I would be more than happy to replace the firing squad.

On a funnier note

He won’t complain when he is older.

And last of all a little humour about our mates across the ditch.

KIWI’s
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, ‘You ain’t from around here, are ya?’

The guy says, ‘No, I’m from Canada .’

The bartender says, ‘What do you do in Canada ?’

The guy says, ‘I’m a taxidermist.’

The bartender says, ‘A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do
you drive a tixi?’

‘No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.’

The bartender grins and yells,

‘ He’s okay boys. He’s one of us.’

Now run over and see  ~m, Moe and Dilligaf.

One more I hear you say?

OK

From a European news paper.

Burn Baby Burn

An Up-date first

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, ‘Naaahhh!

Then they said to me ‘Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind Kids.’

Then I thought…

Fuck – I could win this!’

Tee off next weekend will keep you posted.

Now for some real fun.

Then drop over and see ~m,Moe and Dilligaf and get some more

laughs.

Now here is a new airline to fly with.

WELCOME TO TPA

(Terrorist-Proof  Airlines)

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!

We can absolutely guarantee that WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX

CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other  weapons will never be carried onto

OUR FLIGHTS!

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest  airline in the industry.

AND, if a Muslim fundamentalist sees a naked woman, he is obliged to

commit suicide –

now taking bookings, don’t delay

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

and one last one for the boys.

Burn Baby Burn

MM is a bit of a cheat this week.
A few days ago, I did this post, and I think it’s too damned good to be pushed down the page just yet, because there are people who will appreciate it more than anything else I could post at the moment.
So yeah, I’ve learned that art of cheat posts!
Then again, I always say if you’re not cheating you’re not trying so it’s quite fitting after all!!

Once you’re done here, be sure to visit my cohorts in ~m, Moe and DILLIGAF, because they’re sure to have done real posts and will no doubt give me grief about this one!!

Burn Baby Burn

I have been asked for more of Postman Pat and Thomas the Tank Engine and friends so do not blame me for what will follow.

I didn’t know that farmer was a gay fucker. Poor Pat.

Remember Ernest? Well he’s back too with a new friend Gail.

Gee Gail seems like a nice girl. Somehow i think Steve is going to get into more trouble.

Yes I was right poor old Steve just can not help himself

Burn Baby Burn

Lets have some fun today!

I think I will just look through my vast range of Blogg Fodder which I find or get sent to me.

Here Goes.

First up lets look at the fairer sex!

Ain’t that the TRUTH?

Now that’s just nasty.

But you only look with your eyes?????????????????????

Ok a few for the boys?

Ha Ha Ha Ha! No? I thought it was funny

Yeah right.

Not real smart that lot!

Now that’s funny even if the guy is a fibber.

Lets look at religion!

Dumb Cat. Dogs can’t read!

Speaking of Pussy, here is a few modest ones.

Here is why some people should be neutered.

I smoke but that is just wrong.

And the number ONE Moron.

Enough of that I will leave you with a new Chinese Product.

I don’t know if Women or Men will be more interested in it?

You be the judge.

Please, please click the photo to enlarge and read the print.

It is so funny. Trust me Do it. Do it. You know you want to.

Do not die wondering now. Just do it.

Now hop over to ~m, Moe and Dilligaf for more fun.

Why Exercise Frightens me!!

What do these women think is going to happen

to all this extra body when

they stop weight training??

Remind me to NEVER exercise again!

That’s my story and I am sticking to it!!!

and for the real sicko’s here is a photo of Granny scaring the kids.

Burn Baby Burn

Ah Monday again. My how they seem to come around so quick!

Today I am just going to take the piss out of a few organizations that don’t have a sense of humour.

First up the Taliban!

“YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…”

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have
a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000
rocket launcher, but you  can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but
consider bacon  ”unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you
haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think
every man should own at least one.

And finally ………

10. You’ve always had a crush on your
neighbor’s goat.

Here is a photo of a Taliban Hooker. Yes they do have them.

Isn’t she cute?

Now for some Arab fun!

Mohammed entered his classroom.

“What is your name?” asked the teacher.

“Mohammed”…. answered the kid.

“We are in Australia and there is no “Mohammed”. From now on your name will be “Bruce”.” replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. “How was your day, Mohammed?” asked his mother.

“My name is not ‘Mohammed’. I am in Australia and now my name is ’Bruce’.”

“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you.” and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:

“What happened to you little Bruce?”

“Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin’ Arabs!…”

Ah now for some politically incorrect jokes!

I can’t see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It’s just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot
or

a Frenchman a Cunt.

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. I said

“morning..”

He replied,

“No, just having a shit.”

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Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was
a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!!!

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet..
I shouted up to him,

“What’s up Abdul, won’t it fucking start

***********************************

Chinese guy walks into a bar.

The bartender is black.

Chinese guys says,

“Gimmie a jigger, nigger!”

The black guy is shocked, but gives him a shot.

The Chinese guy does the same thing.

The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.

The Chinese guy says it again.

The black guy is royally pissed now.

He yells,

“You get back here! I’m going to do the same thing to you and you can
see how it feels.”
The black guy storms out and the Chinese guy gets behind the bar.

The black guy walks in and yells,

“Gimmie a drink, chink!”
The Chinese guys says,

“Sorry. We don’t serve niggers here!”

******************************************************

Enough of that now back to the Taliban! Yes?

I thought you might like to know
“How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist

Love the shoes!

And last but not least some typical Australian Humor and problem

solving.

Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an

Aussie are all walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

‘I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total’,

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, ‘I am a farmer and my son will also farm.

I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ‘

POOF!  With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, ‘I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can get in.

POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, ‘I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall’

The Genie explains, ‘Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.  Nothing can get in or out;

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,

smiles and says,

‘Fill the fucker with water.’

Now that I have offended at least half the world jump over and see for more laughs

~m , Moe and Dilligaf.

Burn Baby Burn